The last final

Had my last final paper on Tuesday. Hopefully this is really the last because during undergrad, I thought I had my last paper already, but then after about 3 years without any major examination, I had another one for PhD.


My last exam ticket

Anyway, the question for my exam last Tuesday was nothing technical. More of like asking your opinion on Ethics, on leadership in doing research, etc. Then write an essay about it.

One question caught my interest though. About whether you consider an academic achievement as the main requirement to undertake a research project.

Hmmmpphh... Tough question.

I answered yes but not the only requirement.

I personally think you must also have really strong determination, equally much (or maybe more) than your academic achievement.

I don't consider myself as a brilliant student during undergrad. I skipped classes whenever the lecturer bore me, I even skip classes now that I'm doing my PhD and a lecturer myself (not proud of it). I sat at the very end row, I hated exams and I only received my Dean's list once during my final semester which I believed my FYP project contributed much for that.

Truth is, you can't judge a student by his or her examination marks. I mean, our exam questions are too memorization-based. Which engineer in the world would still memorize that long equations once they are working, we still refer to Dr. Google anyway. Understanding the concept in a whole is more important, and hence you can't hundred percent judge a student by their marks.

And the ability to understand and analyze are so important in research; you have to consistently ask yourselves why this and why that. Many of my students seem to understand a concept just the way it is. Like the fact that wireless network is more fragile than wired network. But they never asked why. Hence, they just memorize the fact that way.

How are you going to do a research if like that? In research, curiosity helps.

Passion helps. The first time I started to do research, I was given two options; on RF and on Optical, I fell in love with the one in optical although my basic background is more to RF. Eventually, when you love something, you'll be curious about something and you always want to learn more.

Determination helps. You must want something that badly to have it. Because even if you're clueless about something, with determination, you can have the spirit to go on.

To end this, for me, academic achievement is not everything. What matters is your effort in everything pun. And doa pun termasuklah dalam part of the effort. :) Just my two cents.

A little nudge..

Had a tiring day last Friday. Been busy with appointments from my students. Had to skip breakfast, accidentally skipped some medication, had my first meal around 12.30, rushed to presentation’s room where all the drama became too overwhelming, I just had to go out of the room for a while.

Done with presentation, Love was there waiting for me since he worked half day. Bought some tea, rushed home and headed to IOI to watch Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa which was superb btw.

9.30pm, still no dinner yet. The only food I ate for the day was my lunch and some fried banana. Which was unusual because my pregnancy and morning sickness demanded me to have at least 8 meals a day.

I started feeling sick on the way back from IOI. The moment the car stopped outside the house, I vomited like I never did before. Over and over without any sign of stopping, then I felt a tummy cramp that hurts like hell.

Held to my seat belt and said to Love, “Sayang.. I tak larat..”

That was when I felt some discharge.

With all the energy I had left, I rushed to the toilet and felt like my world turned upside down. I went out of the toilet, held Love’s hand and said, “Sayang.. Bleeding..”

We tried to remain calm. Doctor once told us to quickly lie down if such thing happens, I did as he said while having some meal for my dinner. Then, we rushed to Az Zahra.

And during the long silence journey, I started to lose it. Tried calling BFF Maria, no one picked up. Started crying, and called Mum. Mum was in PJ, she said she would meet me at the hospital. And I cried the whole journey.

Love tried calming me down but I was down with my own thoughts. I couldn’t bear the thought of anything happened to my baby. I wanted this so badly..

Arrived at Az Zahra, I was attended in less than 5 minutes. Did ultrasound for the first time. To my relief the Dr. said my baby is still there. But he couldn’t give predictive value as on how safe the baby was. He couldn’t give any medication also. He needed me to rest. As of that time, threaten of miscarriage was very minor, but he asked me to monitor if bleeding still occur for another 2 days. "If the blood looks fresh, it’s not a good sign. If it’s black in colour, then you're getting better."

I have to be warded for two days.

But, I told the doctor I’d rather rest at home. At that point, there was nothing I wanted more other than support from my parents and my hubby. Being warded would not help that much.

Of course mum and Love were not happy with my decision.

But, Alhamdulillah, today is Day 2, and I’ve had enough rest, both baby and me have been healthy. Doakan.

My mum in law threw a visit this evening with my favourite Korean dish and favourite dish from my grandmother in law. She told me, “To get a baby, is not that easy.”

I know now.

And I will fight until my last drop of blood for this.

But whatever it is, it could have been worse. This is after all just a little nudge from the Almighty. And for that, Alhamdulillah..

Things I havete to say goodbye to..

Things I hate to say goodbye to once I'm pregnant..

1. Heels

Goodbye comfortable Primavera shoes, my fav. gift from BFF Maria. Goodbye Nine West. I live in Scholl nowadays. Feel. So. Old.

2. Push ups.

I have been living with push ups and only push ups since my undergraduate years. Now nothing seems more uncomfortable than the underwire and thick padding everytime I feel like throwing up. Feel. Even. Older.

3. Maggi, 100plus and pineapple.

Sob.. Sob.. Though, I accidentally had another pineapple a couple of days ago during Fatih's bday party.

4. Ice water.



I bring thermos everywhere nowadays.

5. Flavored milk

Organic milk is so not yummy

Seems like pregnancy takes more sacrifices that what I thought

On the other note, I'm 2 months today!

*Pics frm google

Do's and dont's for final year project

I took an EL today. Why?

I can come up with many reasons.

First, because of my morning sickness. Yes, I might had it worse than some people, but it is starting to go away, so Alhamdulillah.

Or I can say because of my braces. I just had them tightened yesterday, so I couldn't find the best soft food to eat in the cafeteria here. Ended up eating so little yesterday and hence morning sickness got worse. I need mum's porridge.

Or I can also say because of the air condition in my room. It was 18 degrees celcius yesterday. (T_T)

All the stated reasons above are what I called as lame excuses.

The truth is I'm actually running away..

It's a couple of days before final year project (FYP)'s presentation, I've had 5 students under my supervision, some of them I've almost forgotten existed suddenly appeared anywhere I go.

Outside my door, in my lab, even my phone has not stopped ringing these days. I don't have consultation hours for my students, I am happy to help them anytime they want, but some just abused the time I gave by knocking on my door during lunch hour or after office hours, tak boleh buat appointment ke?

Ok, emo. No, I'm not here to whine. I'm here to talk about attitudes.

Personally for me, FYP is where you have a solid training in managing your own project when you work later on.

And what we supervisors want to see during your FYP is the CHANGES in not only your technical knowledge, but also your attitude.

Whether or not your project is succesful, is just the icing on the cake. What matters is that you have learned something by yourself. You study, you design, you troubleshoot, and you analyze.

A lot of times students got confused with the task of supervisor. Our task is to SUPERVISE, or guide. Not lecture. Not telling you step by step on what to do. That is what you did in class. And in order for us to guide, you have to come see us every now and then. Not during the very last minute, no. FYP DOES NOT WORK LAST MINUTE! Unless if Allah SWT says so.

Imagine us as your boss, you can't go and ask your boss the very basic question of all. Then, it becomes her project, not yours.

And then troubleshooting. You think you can spend 3 days on your project and expect everything to turn out right? You know the simplest thing with hardware is design, the longest time to spend is on the troubleshooting. Same goes to coding. If you expect you can get your project done in a week, that is what we called as mini project.

I designed my Master's algorithm in less than a week. I had the idea perfectly sketched in my note book. The hardest part has got to be troubleshooting. Has got to be verifying whether or not your coding is working. That took me half the time I did for my Master.

And you might think the best supervisor you ever have is the one that gives you the aswer straight away.

That is the easiest thing a supervisor can do actually. "Ok, I give you the answer now, stop bugging me!"

The hardest thing to do is to say, "These are all the tools you need, now you can start your sleepless nights and find the answer. Contact me if only necessary," and walk away.

And hence the reason why I took an EL today.

Where does your relationship bring you?

I'm glad I have been through the stage of where my relationship would bring me.

But just a couple of years back, I was having a hard time thinking of that haunting question. Of course if I knew I would end up marrying a guy I've been in love with for the past 9 years, I would just relax, but none of us know what the future holds for us, and that's the challenge.

A few years back, I met FJoe via my best friend. We moved into the same condo where we rented for a year during our second year degree. Both of us were in a relationship where we had a lot of uncertainties.

*Pics in our old condo, Palm Garden
Sometimes, in a relationship, you sacrificed a lot. Your time, your money, your feelings, part of yourself even. And you wonder what do you get in return.

Lucky for me, I ended up gaining everything I sacrificed for. The tears, the miserable nights all have been paid for and all that I have FJoe to thank for. During the hardest night, she would never ever let me go to sleep alone in my room, we ended up sharing the small single bed almost every night. During the time she thought I should have my pride, she would hide my handphone so that I would never embarassed myself and swallow my pride. During the boring weekend, she would take me to places and make me forget about the uncertain relationship I have.

She was the best break up doctor I ever had in my life.

No, that is not the best part!!

The best part is that, she's always happy for me when things get better, though I know really deep inside, she thought I deserved better.

But that's what friends are for. You support each other though you don't always agree on each other's decision.

Well, the story has not finished yet. As I said, lucky for me things paid off for me.

But it worked the other way around for FJoe. For years, I've been wondering, why on earth would Allah SWT met these two people I love wholeheartedly together if they were not meant for each other.

And now, I finally got the answers.

1) FJoe met someone more compatible with her and she lived happily ever after.
2) If she haven't met her ex, I would have never been introduced to such beautiful soul as this.. Who would take a day off, and come all the way from PJ to Bangi to meet me upon hearing my pregnancy news..


And yes, my best friend who introduced me to FJoe is what some people called as her 'ex', but I called him as a 'connector' to connect us together.

The moral of the story is that, sometimes you might think if the relationship is not working, you've wasted everything. But think again.. You actually gained a lot more than what you lose. Because the simple explanation on losing something is that, it is not meant for you.

"Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you.. Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out.." Alanis Morissette - Ironic

My very early signs...

Thank you for all the kind words and wishes, I'm deeply touched :)

If you've been an avid reader, you might know that Love and I planned to just have the time for ourselves until April this year. But November came, and out of nowhere he decided to have one. Took me some times before I was ready, then with the advice of friends, I took acid folic immediately. Twice a week, because I'm a bit conventional, I'm scared of the side effects.

Came February, I fell sick. Caught one of the worst flu which made me feel totally helpless and whiny. About a week before I got my period (I am clock work, so I know when my period is going to be), I had a major tummy cramp. And emotionally wreck.

How bad?

I remember one Friday, Love came home and I was laughing and giggling and then he went to the toilet for 5 minutes, when he came back I was in tears. He asked why and I answered, "I feel sick, I feel tired and we've been trying for 3 months and I feel like my period is going to come in two days time and I wonder what is wrong with me.."

He cried with me. And it had been a looonggggg saddddd night for both of us.

Sunday came. And we were busy painting and cleaning the room and suddenly I fell in the bathroom. I felt even worse since I had pineapple twice that week. Mom cooked ikan tiga rasa and masak lemak nenas, so I thought takpelah, "if at first you don't suceed, you can dust it off and try again" (Aaliyah's Try Again).

I was supposed to get my period that Sunday and it never came. Last Monday I started the countdown. Wait for 6 days at least, I told myself. That whole week I had these early symptoms (in order):

1) Tummy cramp very similar to period pain.
2) Very emotional.
3) Lower back pain.
4) Pain in my urm.. you know, top.
5) Sleep a lot, I got so tired after work.
6) A lot of pimples, ugh!
7) Having hard time to sleep at night. It was either too cold or too hot.
8) Some white discharge like the one you had after your period.
9) And after 4 days late I started to feel nausea.

I bought the pregnancy test last Tuesday, but I managed to wait and only try it last Saturday. I could not sleep that Friday, too scared to see the result. I woke up at 3am, stayed until 6.20am, and woke Love up and then we got double line almost immediately..



Went to clinic, Dr. refused to check again because she said no such thing as false positive. So annoying! Went to hospital and the Dr. double checked and gave us some advice.. and yes, I'm 5 weeks now. Alhamdulillah.

If there are things I've learned from my pregnancy story is that, no matter what happens to you, termakan nenas ke, terjatuh ke, if Allah SWT says it's the time, then it will be your time. Kun faya kun (Be and it is). Don't blame yourself too hard. Cuma of course, must be extra careful after this. Thank you for all the prayers, they are beyond repayment.

And I am the happiest mom-to-be in planet earth! What is morning sickness compared to the most amazing gift I shall received in 8 months time. Alhamdulillah :)

Something major

Ok, IQ test for the day.

I've changed something major in my blog recently.

Guess what it is?

If you guess the layout, you might want to think again.