Co-sleep no more!

Dear Khaira Asyikin,

You're a big girl now! At 14 months, you no longer co-sleep with Ibu :)

We were sometimes worried, Khaira. At a year old, you were still behaving like a baby. You would wake up every 2 hours (Lucky cases, else every hour) to feed at night, you need your rest.

Abi said because you were too close to me and the smell of my milk made you distracted.

I did not argue with that. So, Ibu and Abi tried slowly to separate the bed, though my initial intention was to do that when you were 2.

I first tried to breastfeed you until you fell asleep, then I would carry you to your baby cot. But, it did not work. You would cry, and started to breastfeed again, and it was more tiring for both of us.

Last weekend, you developed an allergy towards tomato. Rashes caused you to have sleepless nights. I had even more sleepless nights, causing me to catch a flu on the third day. The flu worsened until I sneezed non-stop at 3 am, and decided to sleep separately from you to avoid the virus.

To my surprise, you sleep like a baby until the next day.

Since my flu persisted until the next day, I thought it was a sign. So that night, we put your bed next to Ibu and Abi's bed, and I breastfed you at your bed until you fell asleep. Then, I went to my own bed, it was better. You slept like a baby and woke up only one time to feed. And when I climbed into my bed, you were already in deep sleep by then.

Last night was day 2. You woke up in the middle of the night to feed, startled I was not next to you, quickly searched for me and immediately climbed into Ibu's bed. Saddd.. :( But I have to be strong, I can't be that clingy with you, kay. Else, I would make life harder for you in the future.

So, I held you gently and fed you to sleep. Held you a little longer and took that courage to climb up to my bed again.

It's for the best, Khaira Asyikin. You need a better sleep. And if you need anything, I'm still next to you, still wakes up at every moves you made and still holds you at every sounds you produced.. :)

Happy Birthday, Khaira Asyikin!!

Dearest Khaira,

You're a year old today! :) How time flies..

As Ibu left to office, you were still in deep sleep. I know it might not be the best feeling in the world, waking up without Ibu and Abi by your side, but the truth is.. I couldn't bear. I couldn't bear hearing you cry and holding me not wanting to let go every time I'm about to go to work.

That's a sacrifice all of us have to make. Abi has to go to work to support us. Ibu has to work to pursue the ultimate dreams. And at times, Ibu needs to go back a little late because of my PhD. I am now in my writing process, very close to the end insya Allah. Meaning, more hard work. And Khaira has to sacrifice by spending more time with Nanny just a little while.

See, I don't believe working really hard is necessary. I believe family always comes first and that we must have a balance. I promise you, this is temporary.

Last Saturday, we made a small birthday party for you. I hope you're happy meeting all your relatives and friends. There are many types of people in this world, Khaira. And as your name suggests, be kind to each and every one of them; especially the relatives and friends. Then, they will be nice to you in return.

Each and everyone in this world has their own kindness, dig until you find them. But if somehow, the goodness inside them still couldn't make you tolerate to the evil inside them, walk away gracefully, with pride. You must always define your lines in life, Khaira. What you can tolerate and what you can't. Once you have defined them, stick to them and pray may Allah SWT guides you.

Whatever it is, Ibu and Abi will always be with you every step of your journey.

Happy birthday, Khaira Asyikin, you're a prayer come true, I can't express in words how much I love you.

There is this song in 90's called Yellow by Coldplay, and if you look at the lyrics, there is this one line,

"For you, I'd bleed myself dry.."

Without Ayah Ngah and Busu

With Khaira's milk mother and Aunty Sumay

This is an example of a good friend, Khaira :)

With Ibu and Abi!

Birthday wishes from Aunty Melissa..

"Happy birthday my sweet Khaira! Be a good daughter ya! Moga jadi anak yang solehah. Aunty Mel cant wait to see you again!"

And from Ibu's friends..

Oh my Khaira!

Dear Khaira Asyikin,

Masya Allah, how I miss you at this very moment! (Am now in APR's retreat, but too blur to concentrate).

This morning was by far the hardest for Ibu to go to work. You refused to let me go. I am very sorry, but I have to.

If I'm not working, who's going to teach all my students? I am sure you understand. I know you're gonna do better tomorrow.

It broke my heart seeing you crying that bad every morning. Ibu feels demotivated to go to work if you continue like this, Khaira.

I know we had a lot of fun last weekend. We sat next to each other most of the times, you held my hands; i held yours; we were bonding like never before. As much as it is hard for you to let me go, I feel equally hard to let you go.

But, we have to move on. And you know we'll spend more time once I'm home, and we'll be bonding again by the weekend. In fact next week, Ibu will take a leave just for you ok?

Be patient, my little ones. The time will come when I get to spend every minute of the day with you. Soon, insya Allah. I owe a lot to you, I know. I'll try to make it up, it's a promise.

This very moment

Ibu and Khaira at Marks and Spencer, KLCC.

Dearest Little Khaira,

At this very moment, you were next to me, sleeping. Just the two of us. Abi left for futsal as what he normally did every Friday night. I stared at you in the dim of our night lamp and I could see a little girl who had a very big impact in my life.

I saw a face that made me psyched to go home from work everyday. I would rush to bath to make sure I was clean by the time I held you.

Then, if the weather is good, I'd bring you sightseeing along the neighbourhood in your stroller.

If it's raining, we'd sit together watching the fishes in datuk's pond. Remember that little white fish? We called it 'Ikan Khaira'. Datuk bought it for you right after you were born.

You are 3 months plus now, and you're growing up as healthy as you could be, Alhamdulillah.

You're all excited at Chili's KLCC.

Nanny and Datuk had a strict restriction of not bringing you out to malls or to go out at night until you're big enough. But Ibu and Abi decided that you're ready for malls. So this weekend, we're gonna take you to KLCC for the first time!

I always look forward for the day you're big enough to have a special mother daughter time with me. We'd go shopping, we'd go lunch together then I'd bring you to playground later in the evening.. the thought of it always make me smile.

We love you, Khaira Asyikin. To the bits.

Ibu's fav pics at the moment sbb Khaira and Sofea (BFF Maria's bundle of joy) were holding hands.

Khaira and Abang Fatih (abang susuan).

One month old

Anakku Khaira,

Alhamdulillah.. U’re one month old today!

I will forever remember the moment I birth u. U cried a little just to announce ur presence to the world. And when the Dr. put u on my tummy, the first thing I realized was how large your eyes were.. The most beautifull!

During my whole pregnancy, I always pray for an easy delivery. Alhamdulillah, I got just that. But I took for granted to pray for my milk supply. And for the first 3 days of your life, we had to feed u with Mama Iza’s EBM + formula. God knows how it broke my heart. Thus my dear Khaira, don’t take for granted the power of doa. We are just His humble servants after all.

The first night we took you home, we slept at Nanny’s guest room downstairs. What started as a peaceful night turned out to be a chaos when u cried everytime we put u down. So abi and Ibu had to hold u the whole night, clueless on what to do.

The next day onwards, Nanny and Atuk decided to sleep in the living room, helping Abi and Ibu to take care of u. At times, Ayah Ngah and Busu came down to hold u in the middle of the night when u cried, so much love in the house for u. Nanny and Atuk taught us what to do when u cried and eventually u got better day by day. WE gor better day by day. When u grow up later, please do ALWAYS remember what Atuk, Nanny, Ayah Ngah and Busu did for u k.

Khaira, I never knew breastfeeding would be such a time consuming task. U were nursing every hour and sometimes up to 40 mins per nursing. I learned that breast milk are much easier to digest compared to cow’s milk. And that explains the every hour feeding, day and night and I never had a solid sleep more than 2 hours after u’re born.

You were having colic for the first 4 weeks of ur life. I tried to monitor everything I ate, and just about 3 days ago, I stopped eating lobak putih that was supposed to increase my milk supply, and finally ur tummy got better and better. Alhamdulillah.

Day after day, u started to nurse less frequently. Started to recover from ur mild jaundice. Started to learn how to burp and to adapt on day and night.

Ibu on the other hand, learned how to hold a fragile newborn, learned how to nuse u, how to burp u, how to calm u down..

Abi learned how to bath u, to change ur diapers, to swaddle u, to make u sleep..

Dear Khaira, the reason I’m writing this letter is not to whine, but to remind u of the hard times; the times I almost gave up, the times I bet u almost gave up. But look at us Khaira, after a month, we adapt to each other eventually!

You as that tiny little person outside the womb. Ibu and Abi which life changed into parenthood in just one night. And with patience and time, we managed to find the middle point.

A month old Khaira at 3.9 kg

I hope in the future, u’ll always remember, if we survived this, we can survive everything insya Allah. At times u think u cannot go on, remember that u’re a strong person. Not a single cry during BCG, a minor cry during Hep B yesterday, you’ll survive, I have faith.

Much love, Ibu and Abi..

The things he did for us

Little Princess,

I just want you to know about some of the things Daddy sacrificed for us, even way before you were born..

1) During my morning sickness, he would bath me, feed me, massaged me, cleaned me up eveytime I vomited.

2) He went to Hypnobirthing class with me, minding the distance and the fees.

3) He was with me in EVERY monthly (and now weekly) check up; just to get a glance of you. And today, with the new gynae, we finally had the chance to see your face, and your tiny little fingers and toes. May Allah SWT bless our gynae.

4) He came up with brilliant brilliant slides of hypnobirthing for me to refer to.

5) He would monitor my foods, my drinks, what I should and should not eat. And Alhamdulillah, I am as healthy as a horse now.

6) He prayed for us everytime after prayers.

7) He cancelled a 12 hours concert (which ticket he already bought) that he so wanted to go, just for us.

8) He put his dream Alfa on hold, just for us.

9) He fight for the natural birth that I wanted.

10) And most importantly, he supports us both physically and mentally.

You're safe around him, Little Princess. WE are safe around him. He has so much love to provide us. Just when I thought he gave us enough, there are more and more love coming from him.

I can't thank you enough, Sayang. It's one of the many many days I feel so blessed having you as my husband, and most importantly having you as a father of our Little Princess :) 143.

Connected..

Dear Little Princess,

The moment I wrote you this letter, I was at the lowest point of my life since I have you in my tummy.

Our gynae finally made a decision about our birth plan.. She firmly rejected it without willing to negotiate even a little.

As you know Little Princess.. I want you to be born as natural as possible.. Now I even have the thought of birthing you at home with daddy. But, I'm not as courageous yet. So the best thing we can do, Little Princess, is to wait as long as possible at home. We must work together; you, me and daddy as a family.

Tell me when you're ready to see the world, then only we take a very slow drive to hospital ok.



If you decide it's best for you to birth in the car, daddy and I are totally ok with it. Whatever best for you. Whatever best for us, Dear God.

As for now, we have to be more connected k, tell me when you're ready.

We're doing this for a good cause Little Princess, Allah SWT will help us along the way. Just have faith.

IBW, with love.

The first letter to my baby

Dearest Little Precious,

On the way to office today, I suddenly had the urge to write to you, as talking to you did not feel enough. And yes, I found it cheesy, but the only two people that I would be cheesy with in this whole wide world is you and Daddy. ;p

Anyway, I was not at the best of my health today. I am not sure whether it's the ordinary Braxton Hicks or you are giving me some funny positions again inside my tummy, but I am cherishing this moment. 2 months from now, I know I'm gonna miss the feeling of your tiny little hand/feet scratching the inside of my tummy when Daddy did so.

2 months from now, both of us need to work together for your birthing. I am so happy and really look forward for it! I have trust in you in ways I couldn't explain, it makes me feel so secure to go into labor. Probably because of all the vivid dreams about you throughout the pregnancy.

As for now, please be in the easiest position for me to birth you. I am going to take care of my food so that your size is perfect for my body. When you birth easily and I'm healthy, Insya Allah.. I can take better care of you. And Baby, please pray so that I can breastfeed you exclusively for at least 6 months.

We have so many plans involving you when you're around. We are going to go to Bali when you're 5 months old! Yay! Life outside the womb is such a happy place, LP.. And everyone is going to be so excited to meet you! So please, come out when the moment is right for you and come out safely and gently :)

IBW!