How He reminds me: My aftermath umrah story

Right after I arrived in Malaysia from Makkah, I missed the holy land so badly, I cried sometimes so horribly I almost couldn't breathe one time.

Then a month after, I received somewhat like an offer as a postdoc in a university in Jeddah, an hour away from Makkah, in an exact field I'm majoring right now, with triple the pay than what I received in my current university.

Was I excited? Not a word could describe it, and my supportive husband willing to let go his current job.

But, looking at my parents, I didn't have the heart. I came from a very conservative family in that sense, my mom never left us anywhere overnight. When I stayed in uni, my parents called me every night, seriously I promise, every night. And none of us have ever been away to boarding school or anything.

I couldn't imagine them being away from my girls.

Then, my husband got promoted and that was it. I knew I had to let it go, although husband insisted. He is at the peak of his career, and after all the provider of the family, thinking of prioritizing mine over him just kills me inside.

"Let's go again end of this year!" Love suggested, without the kids this time around.

Not now. Not when Aisha is still cranky having to sleep without me. Recently, I had to work outstation and she slept at 2am after crying inconsolably, poor mom.

Where my heart belongs :)

When I missed Makkah, I looked at the images in Google Map. The drone and 360 images help a lot.

A couple of days ago, I received a message.

An invitation.

To that particular university, may I remind you just an hour away from Masjidil Haraam.

On October, right after Hajj where you can only enter Makkah by invitation during that time. Imagine how empty Masjidil Haraam would be, not empty but you know what I mean..

Anddddd... the best part, I would be given business visa + umrah.

"Can I bring my spouse?" Was my first question. No need to think, this is Almighty's invitation ro me.

"No, because this is by invitation," was the reply I got. Sure would shatter by hub's heart, but I still want to go.

"How about my mahram, then?" I asked. "For umrah, how about my mahram?"

Anddddd... stuck. Now, I'm stuck with the mahram issue. Make lots of doa if this is meant for me, Allah swt would make everything easy for me.

Even if it's not meant for me this time around, He constantly reminds me of Makkah, masha Allah terharunya. *cries*

The kids' supporter

Now that Khaira all grown up, she made friends easily. Especially during Raya; mostly she could really click, but not always.

Aisha, well she would be minding her own business most of the time. That includes running and jumping non-stop, Mashaa Allah. I just kept on telling myself that sweating is good for her immune system, or else I'd go crazy.

As for Khaira, she lovesss to bring her toys everywhere. When I said toys; read: stones that she picked up outside my grandmother's house mcm tak pernah jumpa batu, extra straws she requested from kakak jual air kelapa mcm I tak belikan dia actual toys or even.. "kemuncup" (T_T) Her favourite somehow.

Ironically, these things are the ones that caused arguments between the kids her age. These kids also want that exact stone/straw/kemuncup, I couldn't even brain guys.

Back at my kampung in Bukit Melawati, Kuala Selangor.

Previously, I asked her to share.

Then, my mom said something that impacted me greatly. I rarely share stuff with anybody in my life. Had my own toys, own room, my own car, my own everything.

And here, I'm asking my girls to share.

My mom's reasoning is simple: so that each of us have a sense of belonging and to know that "NO" is a perfectly legitimate answer.

So, I tried to balance things out, but I don't quite sure how to do it. I guess when Khaira was playing with that something and other kids took that thing from her, I'd just observe for Khaira to fight for her stuff back so it won't get worse.. Else, I'd just ask her to lend it to her friends.

As of now, it works fine for me so I'm just gonna stick with the rules.

Plus I read something recently and realizing that, made me somehow a lot calmer.

Also worth sharing that, Maznah from www.maznahibrahim.com shared something with me recently that I thought worth sharing with all of us, mommies..

"Namun bahan penebat non material paling MAHAL, UTAMA dan PERCUMA, ialah diri Mak ayah sndiri. Kita adalah penebat emosi terbaik utk anak-anak rasa selesa ;) Maka, jadilah diri kita sendiri, seperti mahunya Allah untuk kita jadi Ibubapa Yang Baik, bukan Mahunya Masyarakat yang sesekali jumpa.  Bersederhana. (anak jumpa kita setiap hari, kita adalah sokongan dia. Untuk kita, Allah 365-24-7-60 dengan kita,  Allah bantu kita atau penebat kita)."

Have a wonderful Raya entertaining your little ones, your amanah everyone! :)

A wise man on a raya night

My Raya morning started off gloomy.

Then, I realized.. Alhamdulillah.. both my girls are healthy, so do my hubs and both our families. I am grateful for everything.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitry everyone. May Allah SWT accept our fast, prayers and all our ibadah. Please do forgive me for all my wrong doings, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

This year was my first to spend my first raya at my parents'. Normally would be in in-laws' (Ampang) the whole raya week since most of my aunts and uncles would be away, so I would just stay near late Grandmom's place at Kg Pandan just in case.

Also, this year was my first sleep over at Kuala Selangor, my other late Grandmom's house since I basically have nobody to take care of in Kg Pandan anymore.

Wouldn't it just last year you called me up, Mak, when I was in Kuala Selangor, asking if I would come back for the night, a reassurance that we will always be there for you?

Ahhh.. where do I in turn get the reassurance this year.. I miss you Mak.

Sad stories aside, I met a wonderful man that Raya night. One worth sharing with my readers.

13 years ago, an MD of Perodua made friend with my husband whom was working at O'Briens Cafe after SPM. He obviously did not have to, but being humble as he sincerely is, he did anyway (I'm far from MD, I wonder if I ever make friends with a waiter who serves me). And they remained very good friend ever since.

Well, he's retired now, after being a COO at Naza Kia. And he lives our dream life definitely. Now he rents an apartment in Tokyo; his most favorite city and would be back and forth from KL to Tokyo. You can tell that he's having one wonderful family around him. A very humble house and cars. A dream life, simply to put it.

Sometimes, when Love and I were so hectic with our work to earn a decent income for our family, we seldom asked ourselves, when will this stop? Both of us always try our best to be the best in everything, we have achieved so much so young but with one downside of course, we always need more time with the girls, with each other.

I mean, we saw one Datuk at 50 still needs to work to sustain his lifestyle, when will this end? Bigger income, but bigger house, bigger cars, and endless work like this still?

"One day, I gave an Omega watch to every employee I have in Perodua," the man in the picture with Love told us that night. "Everybody was happy.."

Of course, they should.

"Until they found out I gave one person a Rolex," this man answered our question so wisely as he already is.

We smiled. Such a strong analogy, this one :)

Dream family, dream life. Soon, inshaa Allah.

May Allah SWT grants us happiness always with whatever that we already have. May we have a humble life in shaa Allah.

Fragile

I broke down before my class this morning.

And after.

Then, I pissed off with everything.

I should have bought a flight ticket and fly somewhere far away for Raya. To make it worst, it will be such a long holiday break this time around.

I barely made it to Ramadhan without my Grandmom, and God knows how I'm gonna get through it for Raya.

Raya songs have never annoyed me this much, I have managed to get away from them all the time so far.

I haven't fully open myself up about Grandmom to anyone since she passed away, not even to husband as it makes me feel so fragile. 

Maybe talking about it makes it feel so surreal? I don't know.

All I know is that, I really REALLY need to get away from here for Raya.

Back to square one, I'm regressing. Started to think if I'll ever move on :(

My view on vaccination

So, I received quite a number of questions via WA or FB asking me whether I vaccinate my girls. Perhaps due to the fact that I am pro on natural birth and quite an organic junkie myself (so hippie).

The answer is yes, I have fully vaccinated both of my girls; all in the wajib list and am considering on doing pneumococcal as their additional vaccination.

Why I vaccinated them is simply because I haven't studied the pros and cons of vaccination, I am not well informed of them, so I opt for the norm.

A friend I knew through a homeschooling group recently asked, "If you trust in modern medications, ie. vaccinations, why did you do natural births then?"

Reason is, I studied a great deal on natural birth before I opted for it. I went to gentle birth classes, which was an eye opener. Read lots of books. Asked lots of experienced people. Of course, that doesn't make me a doctor, I mean a medical doctor. So, I sat down with my gynae and had a long discussion on my case. If you read my story on first birth, you knew how many time I changed gynae until I found one at a very last minutes, two weeks before I gave birth. Who agreed with my terms and conditions and advised me accordingly.

She gave me almost all of the things I wanted on my birthing list. In return, Allah SWT gave her what she wanted from me as well, a healthy low risk pregnant mummy. The gynae was so cool that for my second child, I gave birth in my baju rumah so leisurely. And even added that she suggested me to do homebirth for third baby where she will be sending an MO over.

My point is, we call somebody an expert for a reason. So, with mutual understanding, both of you will get what you want. Doctors are not monsters. They are moms just like us.

When Khaira had frequent cough last time and was always on antibiotics, I came clean to the paed if there's an alternative way I can go about without frequent consumption of antibiotics. I followed her advised and until now, Alhamdulillah Khaira recovered from cough without cough meds and antibiotics anymore, except one time when we got back from oversea. The paed prescribed a cough med and antibiotics after a year and I asked, "Is there any way I could avoid these? Will there be any side effects?"

And I hold on to what the dear paed told me, "It's a drug, of course mild side effects are probable. But, in this case, we have to weigh which one is more important: a mild probable side effect but high possibility that she'll get better or a high probability she'll get worse and no probability of mild side effect."

That clears the air enough for me. I trusted her judgement, because she is an expert in the matter way better than I am.

So, what's my view on those who did not vaccinate their kids?

It's your choice, really. Everyone wants to be the best mother to their child.

When I chose Khaira's previous kindy, I spent months looking for the best kindy because I only want what's best for my daughter. But, if you read my story before, you'd realize the irony: what I thought was best for her, really was not for her, perhaps the worst.

So, sometimes, what you thought is best for your kids, might not be the best for them.

I read that some refused to vaccinate their kids due to eczema. I have lived my entire life with eczema, I have no fingerprints due to that (Imagine my banking and travelling hassle), I used to wake up sneezing every morning until noon, the worst acne ugh!, and even nearly had blood transfusion due to antibiotics intolerant (I have recovered from my eczema after going organic and years of homeopathy treatment), trust me I thank my parents everyday for vaccinating me, because again the weighing down: I'd rather have my eczema, Alhamdulillah.

Then, there's an autism issue, which I dare not touch because like I said, I'm not an expert in the matter. But always come to the paed's point on weighing down the possibility.

If you have studied really thoroughly (I mean from classes, of course I don't trust Internet that much) and discussed with your gynae, if your baby really have intolerant towards vaccination, then who am I to judge? I hope by vaccinating my kids, yours will get the herd immunity.

But, I am having difficulties in understanding those who did not vaccinate their kids because "ikut sunnah", and these vaccinations are "agenda Yahudi". Amboi, sedapnya accusation, sekali fitnah nanti.

When I went to Umrah last time, I was supposed to have my menses a couple of days before I went there (wrong timing, unstable cycle due to breastfeeding), so I asked the Ustaz whether I should take a pill. I saw lots of doa to postpone your menses, can I depend just on them.

And the Ustaz said something that I will hold on into, "In Islam, we are thought to Usaha fist, then Tawakkal comes in".

Took the pill, and doa. All come from Allah swt, not the pills, but of course Allah SWT sees our usaha, even it is smaller than zahrah kan.

That is my thought on vaccination as well.

"Agenda Yahudi" is something lame for me. When I was in gentle birthing communities, some minor voices mentioned about the so called "Agenda Yahudi" as well. But, who knew if it's the other way around.

When people are so obsessed into something, they sometimes failed to look at it as a whole. Then, happen lotus birth and consumption of umbilical cord in Muslim. And claiming methods and meds from doctors are "agenda Yahudi".

Pening.

Oh, on my pills consumption story, after taking the pills, the probable side effects as mentioned by the doctor happened to me in Makkah, I had some spotting for couple of days which made me could not enter the Masjidil Haraam. Boy, was I sad? Let's put it this way, those times I could not enter Masjidil Haraam were the saddest days of my entire life, really. I cried until I got sick. The spotting stopped once I stopped consuming the pills.

Did I regret taking it?

I redha beacuse it is my Qadha' and Qadr.

So, for those who did not vaccinate their kids, if you are aware of the risks and okay with them, again I am in no position to judge you. So far, my friends yang tak vaccinate their kids pon have healthy kids, I trust juga Allah swt pelihara all the hamba yang have unshaken faith and always doa for their kids.

Jangan jadi lalang, follow without in depth knowledge. Ini yang buat orang marah.

Mutual agreement, agree to disagree. No need bashing in FB ok?

Mak..

I finally have a dream about my late Grandmother last night. It was in the month of Ramadhan, I hope she came and visit. I hope she received all my doa for her.

In my dream, I was as usual entertaining Mak. She was on a boat, on a river. So was Datuk. I took my boat and pulled Mak to the land. Then, I did that for others and fell asleep.

I was then being awaken by somebody. "Mak sakit!" she said. I realized, it has been too long since I woke up, scared by the thoughts that my Grandmother was sick at her home. Way too long, I miss her.

I quickly grabbed her medicine, she had a heart attack. And quickly recovered after she took her meds.

Then, in my dream, Mak said something she always told me when she was alive..

"Bila kakak takde, mak sakit.."

And with that, I woke up just before Subuh. Couldn't fall back to sleep.

God knows how much I miss her.

Updates on homeschooling the girls

Salam Ramadhan everyoneee!!

When I said homeschooling, don't get me wrong, I still send K and will send A to school. It's just that I treat the school as a place where Khaira revises what she first learned at home, not the other way around.

I haven't been updating their progress for quite a while, so here goes..

K is now in her 22nd Surah, As-Shams. In the morning, when I sent her to school, she would memorize 5 long surahs or 6 short surahs so that by Friday, she would be done revising all the 21 surahs she has memorized.

Starting from early this year, I gave her a page of revision book to be done in the evening. Either Malay, English, Math or Science, just to practice for her Standard 1 later on, that took her around 10 minutes max to get it done.

After Maghrib, I would teach her mengaji while she would memorize 1 ayat from the surah, then do 10 lines story book reading with her. According to days, I would either do English reading, spelling or math with her.

At the moment, no learning at all on weekends, I shall start next year.

Picnic at Grandmom's

I am honestly quite nervous for 2018, where K will be in Standard 1. The tahfiz school I intended to send Khaira earlier is changing her syllabus, no longer following government's. So, I'm looking for another school for her, which made me quite restless.

On top of that, HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT THEY TAUGHT IN PRIMARY SCHOOL NOWADAYS?? I just saw it, and mannnn, I'm even more nervous now. Of course my priority is the Quran, but I'm not taking easy on other stuff as well. But at the same time, she is just a kid, so I let her play all she wants. And TV, because she learned a lot from that as well.

As for Aisha, this week I'm migrating from flashcard to Al Barqy. Make lots of doa for me in this Ramadhan ya, friends.

Have a blessed Ramadhan everyone! May we all be given the strength by the Almighty to be more istiqamah in educating our amanah. ♥

P/S: Kaps and I will be going to Power Parenting 30th July later, see you there lovelies!