Wednesday, June 29, 2016


I broke down before my class this morning.

And after.

Then, I pissed off with everything.

I should have bought a flight ticket and fly somewhere far away for Raya. To make it worst, it will be such a long holiday break this time around.

I barely made it to Ramadhan without my Grandmom, and God knows how I'm gonna get through it for Raya.

Raya songs have never annoyed me this much, I have managed to get away from them all the time so far.

I haven't fully open myself up about Grandmom to anyone since she passed away, not even to husband as it makes me feel so fragile. 

Maybe talking about it makes it feel so surreal? I don't know.

All I know is that, I really REALLY need to get away from here for Raya.

Back to square one, I'm regressing. Started to think if I'll ever move on :(

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

My view on vaccination

So, I received quite a number of questions via WA or FB asking me whether I vaccinate my girls. Perhaps due to the fact that I am pro on natural birth and quite an organic junkie myself (so hippie).

The answer is yes, I have fully vaccinated both of my girls; all in the wajib list and am considering on doing pneumococcal as their additional vaccination.

Why I vaccinated them is simply because I haven't studied the pros and cons of vaccination, I am not well informed of them, so I opt for the norm.

A friend I knew through a homeschooling group recently asked, "If you trust in modern medications, ie. vaccinations, why did you do natural births then?"

Reason is, I studied a great deal on natural birth before I opted for it. I went to gentle birth classes, which was an eye opener. Read lots of books. Asked lots of experienced people. Of course, that doesn't make me a doctor, I mean a medical doctor. So, I sat down with my gynae and had a long discussion on my case. If you read my story on first birth, you knew how many time I changed gynae until I found one at a very last minutes, two weeks before I gave birth. Who agreed with my terms and conditions and advised me accordingly.

She gave me almost all of the things I wanted on my birthing list. In return, Allah SWT gave her what she wanted from me as well, a healthy low risk pregnant mummy. The gynae was so cool that for my second child, I gave birth in my baju rumah so leisurely. And even added that she suggested me to do homebirth for third baby where she will be sending an MO over.

My point is, we call somebody an expert for a reason. So, with mutual understanding, both of you will get what you want. Doctors are not monsters. They are moms just like us.

When Khaira had frequent cough last time and was always on antibiotics, I came clean to the paed if there's an alternative way I can go about without frequent consumption of antibiotics. I followed her advised and until now, Alhamdulillah Khaira recovered from cough without cough meds and antibiotics anymore, except one time when we got back from oversea. The paed prescribed a cough med and antibiotics after a year and I asked, "Is there any way I could avoid these? Will there be any side effects?"

And I hold on to what the dear paed told me, "It's a drug, of course mild side effects are probable. But, in this case, we have to weigh which one is more important: a mild probable side effect but high possibility that she'll get better or a high probability she'll get worse and no probability of mild side effect."

That clears the air enough for me. I trusted her judgement, because she is an expert in the matter way better than I am.

So, what's my view on those who did not vaccinate their kids?

It's your choice, really. Everyone wants to be the best mother to their child.

When I chose Khaira's previous kindy, I spent months looking for the best kindy because I only want what's best for my daughter. But, if you read my story before, you'd realize the irony: what I thought was best for her, really was not for her, perhaps the worst.

So, sometimes, what you thought is best for your kids, might not be the best for them.

I read that some refused to vaccinate their kids due to eczema. I have lived my entire life with eczema, I have no fingerprints due to that (Imagine my banking and travelling hassle), I used to wake up sneezing every morning until noon, the worst acne ugh!, and even nearly had blood transfusion due to antibiotics intolerant (I have recovered from my eczema after going organic and years of homeopathy treatment), trust me I thank my parents everyday for vaccinating me, because again the weighing down: I'd rather have my eczema, Alhamdulillah.

Then, there's an autism issue, which I dare not touch because like I said, I'm not an expert in the matter. But always come to the paed's point on weighing down the possibility.

If you have studied really thoroughly (I mean from classes, of course I don't trust Internet that much) and discussed with your gynae, if your baby really have intolerant towards vaccination, then who am I to judge? I hope by vaccinating my kids, yours will get the herd immunity.

But, I am having difficulties in understanding those who did not vaccinate their kids because "ikut sunnah", and these vaccinations are "agenda Yahudi". Amboi, sedapnya accusation, sekali fitnah nanti.

When I went to Umrah last time, I was supposed to have my menses a couple of days before I went there (wrong timing, unstable cycle due to breastfeeding), so I asked the Ustaz whether I should take a pill. I saw lots of doa to postpone your menses, can I depend just on them.

And the Ustaz said something that I will hold on into, "In Islam, we are thought to Usaha fist, then Tawakkal comes in".

Took the pill, and doa. All come from Allah swt, not the pills, but of course Allah SWT sees our usaha, even it is smaller than zahrah kan.

That is my thought on vaccination as well.

"Agenda Yahudi" is something lame for me. When I was in gentle birthing communities, some minor voices mentioned about the so called "Agenda Yahudi" as well. But, who knew if it's the other way around.

When people are so obsessed into something, they sometimes failed to look at it as a whole. Then, happen lotus birth and consumption of umbilical cord in Muslim. And claiming methods and meds from doctors are "agenda Yahudi".


Oh, on my pills consumption story, after taking the pills, the probable side effects as mentioned by the doctor happened to me in Makkah, I had some spotting for couple of days which made me could not enter the Masjidil Haraam. Boy, was I sad? Let's put it this way, those times I could not enter Masjidil Haraam were the saddest days of my entire life, really. I cried until I got sick. The spotting stopped once I stopped consuming the pills.

Did I regret taking it?

I redha beacuse it is my Qadha' and Qadr.

So, for those who did not vaccinate their kids, if you are aware of the risks and okay with them, again I am in no position to judge you. So far, my friends yang tak vaccinate their kids pon have healthy kids, I trust juga Allah swt pelihara all the hamba yang have unshaken faith and always doa for their kids.

Jangan jadi lalang, follow without in depth knowledge. Ini yang buat orang marah.

Mutual agreement, agree to disagree. No need bashing in FB ok?

Monday, June 20, 2016


I finally have a dream about my late Grandmother last night. It was in the month of Ramadhan, I hope she came and visit. I hope she received all my doa for her.

In my dream, I was as usual entertaining Mak. She was on a boat, on a river. So was Datuk. I took my boat and pulled Mak to the land. Then, I did that for others and fell asleep.

I was then being awaken by somebody. "Mak sakit!" she said. I realized, it has been too long since I woke up, scared by the thoughts that my Grandmother was sick at her home. Way too long, I miss her.

I quickly grabbed her medicine, she had a heart attack. And quickly recovered after she took her meds.

Then, in my dream, Mak said something she always told me when she was alive..

"Bila kakak takde, mak sakit.."

And with that, I woke up just before Subuh. Couldn't fall back to sleep.

God knows how much I miss her.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Updates on homeschooling the girls

Salam Ramadhan everyoneee!!

When I said homeschooling, don't get me wrong, I still send K and will send A to school. It's just that I treat the school as a place where Khaira revises what she first learned at home, not the other way around.

I haven't been updating their progress for quite a while, so here goes..

K is now in her 22nd Surah, As-Shams. In the morning, when I sent her to school, she would memorize 5 long surahs or 6 short surahs so that by Friday, she would be done revising all the 21 surahs she has memorized.

Starting from early this year, I gave her a page of revision book to be done in the evening. Either Malay, English, Math or Science, just to practice for her Standard 1 later on, that took her around 10 minutes max to get it done.

After Maghrib, I would teach her mengaji while she would memorize 1 ayat from the surah, then do 10 lines story book reading with her. According to days, I would either do English reading, spelling or math with her.

At the moment, no learning at all on weekends, I shall start next year.

Picnic at Grandmom's

I am honestly quite nervous for 2018, where K will be in Standard 1. The tahfiz school I intended to send Khaira earlier is changing her syllabus, no longer following government's. So, I'm looking for another school for her, which made me quite restless.

On top of that, HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT THEY TAUGHT IN PRIMARY SCHOOL NOWADAYS?? I just saw it, and mannnn, I'm even more nervous now. Of course my priority is the Quran, but I'm not taking easy on other stuff as well. But at the same time, she is just a kid, so I let her play all she wants. And TV, because she learned a lot from that as well.

As for Aisha, this week I'm migrating from flashcard to Al Barqy. Make lots of doa for me in this Ramadhan ya, friends.

Have a blessed Ramadhan everyone! May we all be given the strength by the Almighty to be more istiqamah in educating our amanah. ♥

P/S: Kaps and I will be going to Power Parenting 30th July later, see you there lovelies!